You’re aware of how it must look to everyone else, so comical and unoriginal. There you are, with unspoken words waiting to be heard and a crater of questions craving for answers that you know you will never get.
You’ve gone ahead and done the thing everyone warned you against. Some might call you a fool while some, blind, but to you, this feeling that you are cultivating within is so beautiful, so beautiful that you refuse to let go.You pinned all your hopes and heartsick desires on one face. One stupid, stupid face of a man you can’t seem to erase.
You never thought you’d be the one waiting. “It’s just so not like you”, you imagine them saying. Because it isn’t.
Or, it wasn’t.
Something incredible happens to us when we fall for someone. It’s really like we fall, slipping on an invisible banana peel and losing our grasp on everything around us. Everything blurring to such an extreme, it’s hard to see anything at all and it has a serious impact on all kinds of important things like relaxation, emotions, and yep, Trust.
We’re always talking about how love makes us crazy, and it definitely does, but when we’re deprived of it? When we can see it within reach, but no matter how hard we try, we can’t grab onto it? When it was there, and suddenly, it’s just…not?
And when someone you love casts you aside, or maybe even worse, comes back when their first choice doesn’t pan out?
It will split you in half.
But you aren’t ready to admit to this damage right now. You want their love, their smell, to just know they are in this with you, fully this time. So you’ll justify whatever you can. Your brain goes into overdrive, ready to make something completely illogical somehow sound logical. You’ll find insignificant reasons to wait, or stay, or whatever the game is you’re stuck playing. You’ll swallow little bits of pride when no one is looking and decide that being someone’s second choice or just a backup option isn’t that bad.
When you do this, you allow someone else to dictate your worth. And trust me when I say, I understand. There are times when love overpowers us so much that we’re willing to hide in the darkness for it. We’ll do the things we said we wouldn’t. We’ll say the things that burn our throats. We’re hungry for this damaged love because we can’t remember how it felt before.
But you deserve someone who feels that fire for you. It’s not enough to be a secondary character, someone waiting for a moment to be seen, after you have given your all, and you just can’t do it anymore. You just can’t. And you are well aware that at the end of the day, you’ll only be left with a sinking boat in a vast ocean of tears and pain.
So don’t be someone’s second choice because you won’t be able to forget your place in line. Even when you try to. Even when you do such a good job of convincing yourself everything is fine. Because everything isn’t fine. You were a second choice, and part of you will just continue burning when you think about who came first.
It will take you a forever to realise that they were’nt worth all that risk.